Road Trip! A Felony Waiting to Happen!
by Rhianwen
Summary: An explorative piece that takes the more (and less) popular couples of the fandom through the kiss of death to every struggling relationship, the Road Trip.
1. Default Chapter

Road Trip! A Felony Waiting to Happen!

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, as much as I might like to rent Valgaav for the weekend...mmm...Valgaav...er, anyway, the guy who created Slayers owns them. However, he, unlike the creators of the other fandoms I write for, likely has enough of a sense of humour to not want to kill me for what I've done to them. After all, look what he puts them through himself! ^_^

Summary: An explorative piece that takes the more (and less) popular couples of the fandom through the kiss of death to every struggling relationship, the Road Trip.

Notes: Now, this is a story that came about while discussing with Bezo (much in the same way that two people with identical views on politics discuss that fine subject) why a Lina/Zelgadis pairing is just several mortal injuries waiting to happen. A few minutes in, Bezo put it very well when he said, "Just imagine those two taking a long car trip together. That should kill any tendencies you have."

So, I imagined it. And it did kill the Lina/Zelgadis tendencies that I haven't had since the first four episodes of Season 1. But, since it was durned funny, I decided to write it down and inflict it upon the fandom at large. Eventually, it turned into a piece in which every possible pairing between four guys and four girls was featured, on a similar car trip. Bwah.

The Anniversary Party

A pair of large, long-lashed eyes burning with the divine fire of a thousand suns – suns that were particularly divine, of course – lit up even more, causing widespread drought and famine from evaporated seas and scorched earth.

   "Zel! Turn off here!"

An annoyed grumble filled the car as two icy eyes, eyes verily enshrouded in ice just waiting to be melted by the fire of the other pair of eyes in question – the eyes burning with the fire of all those divine suns, if you'll recall – narrowed.

   "Where?"

   "There!" Lina exclaimed, gesturing frantically out the large vehicle's window at a rapidly approaching exit to the right of the Winnebago.

The far, far right.

   "Lina," Zelgadis sighed. "Two things. First of all, if we want to get to Zangalus and Martina's some time before the party begins, we don't have time to stop long enough for you to eat your fill. Secondly, the exit is on the far left. We are on the far right. Four lanes over, if you'll kindly count. The traffic is very, very heavy. The Winnebago is very, very large. To get over to the far right lane would take a miracle. And we have no reason to try it. Our next exit isn't for another sixty kilometres."

   "C'mon, Zel," Lina whined pleadingly. "Look at that sign!"

   "I can't, Lina. I'm driving," Zelgadis reminded her through gritted teeth.

   "It's the biggest buffet in the state!" the tiny redhead continued as though he hadn't spoken. "And I'm hungry!"

   "Then get that bag of sandwiches Sylphiel sent with us out of the back seat," he suggested coolly.

   "I finished those a long time ago," she told him easily.

He blinked, startled.

   "How long ago?" he asked slowly.

   "About three hours."

   "We've only been on the road for three and a half hours!"

   "Hey, Sylphiel makes really good sandwiches," Lina laughed unapologetically.

   "Great," Zelgadis grumbled. "Now what am I supposed to eat?"

   "You've got your coffee, you damn guzzler. You're happy as a clam. Well," Lina continued as she glanced sideways at the glowering countenance of her fellow traveller, "happy as you ever get."

   "Thank-you."

   "Now take the exit!"  
   "We're long past the exit, Lina."

   "Then turn around!"

A pause.

   "You're joking, aren't you?"  
Lina grinned. Zelgadis did not.

   "Please tell me you're joking."

Lina's grin widened and became just a shade more evil. Zelgadis sighed.

   "You're not joking, are you?"

   "Nope."

   "Well…tough! I can't turn around until we get to another exit, and even then, I refuse to add hours onto this trip just so you can eat until you make yourself sick!"

Lina glared sideways at her road-trip buddy.

   "As touching as your concern is-"

   "Concern?" Zelgadis repeated, frowning in concern.

   "Oh, never mind! Now, turn around!"

   "No!"

   "For the last time, Zel, turn the car around!"

   "For the last time, Lina, forget it!" 

She smirked. Noticing this from the corner of his eye, Zelgadis quavered inwardly, but determinedly kept a stony countenance.

   "Fine," she chirped. "If you won't turn this car around, I will."

Zelgadis had just begun to demand what in the hell she meant by that when he found out in a most unpleasant way.

Two small hands shot over from the passenger seat of the Winnebago and gave the steering wheel a sound jerk to the left.

Tires squealed and horns honked angrily as the vehicle shot over four lanes of reasonably dense traffic and proceeded to bounce over the grassy area dividing eastbound and westbound highway.

Zelgadis, his face a mask of horror that effectively drove away his determination to remain impassive, reflected that his stomach must have still been waiting over in the furthest right lane of the eastbound highway as the van completed a 90-degree turn and puttered merrily down the westbound highway in the direction of the turn-off into Granny Aqua's Good Ol' Home-Cookin' All-You-Can-Eat Buffet and Family Restaurant. 

Finally recovering powers of speech and motion, Zelgadis turned furiously on the redhead.

   "You idiot!" he exclaimed. "What in the hell was that? You almost got us both killed!"

   "But I didn't _actually_ get us killed, right?" she pointed out with a wink and a giggle that would have charmed anyone whose stomach wasn't still waiting at least four miles down the road in the opposite direction. "So calm down and get ready to eat!"

As a severely dented Winnebago shot down the westbound highway, a voice, muffled from being inside of it, could be nonetheless quite easily heard as it howled, with all the anguish of the ages ringing in it, 

   "WHY ME?!!!"

Meanwhile, in another Winnebago several kilometres west, barely outside of the starting point of both, but sporting several less dents, Amelia waited patiently for the driver to return.

After fifteen minutes, her patience went from the happy, cheerful sort of patience that one can expect of a happy, cheerful disposition to a rather forced patience of someone who is patient merely because she has to be.

Finally, forty-five minutes later, all trace of patience had evaporated, leaving a little dark-haired, blue-eyed, five-foot-nothing bundle of angry.

   "Where is he?!" Amelia fumed. "I was only gone for five minutes! Where did Mr. Gourry wander off to in five minutes that's taken him forty-five to get back?! Well, that does it! I'm going to look for him!"

However, just as she was about to climb down from the Winnebago, a tall, blond-haired shape approaching from the other direction made her slide back into her seat and set her teeth angrily. Very well, she would stay where she was. But she would make it very clear that she was annoyed with him. After all, they were on their way to an important event…even if she didn't exactly know what the purpose was behind a "The-First-Time-He-Let-Me-Use-the-Howling-Sword-Mark-Two Anniversary Party". Miss Martina had always been a little strange…

Still, that didn't excuse his wandering off this way, Amelia decided. 

As Gourry climbed into the driver's seat of the vehicle, he shot her a sunny smile and held up a bulging plastic bag.

   "I bought us some snacks at the convenience store I found. And man, it took a long time to find it!"

_No kidding,_ she said silently and as sarcastically as Amelia could say anything. 

Aloud, she said nothing, but simply lifted her chin and looked away from him ever so slightly. He would get the message…

However, it appeared that Amelia forgot exactly whom she was dealing with here. Gourry, by this time, was already absorbed with simultaneously driving and rummaging through the bag of snacks.

Either way, finding out what was bothering her certainly wasn't high on his list of things to do. Amelia sighed. 

   "Mr. Gourry, what on earth took you so long back there?"

   "Huh?" he asked, head tilted to one side in confusion, a cheese-curl hanging out of his mouth.

_No…don't laugh…no matter how silly he looks, you're mad at him, remember?!_

   "You were gone for almost an hour!"

   "Oh, that! Well, I figured that you were busy, so I decided to go get some snacks."

   "I was already done by the time you left!"

   "Hey, I'll be honest, Amelia. I have no idea how long it takes to bring justice to a fiend."

   "Not forty-five minutes! Between flagging him down, explaining to him why speeding is wrong, and reinforcing the message with a few Pacifist Crushes, I was only talking to him for five minutes!"

   "Hey, look on the bright side. At least we have snacks now," Gourry laughed. "Want a candy bar?"

   "What kind did you buy?" Amelia asked excitedly, completely forgetting that she was supposed to be angry as Gourry handed her the plastic bag and she began rifling through its contents. "Aero!" 

She had just begun to pull the wrapper away from the chocolate when something at the side of the road caught her eye. 

   "Oh, no!" she gasped. "That man just threw two chip bags, a soda bottle, and a candy bar wrapper out his car window, and…" She peered more closely, just to make sure that her ghastly accusations were not ungrounded. "…and he's not even going back to pick them up!"

   "Are we chasing this guy down, too?" Gourry asked in a voice calm enough to serve as a testament to the startling ability of this man to take things in stride.

   "Of course! Mother Earth deserves our respect!"

With a shrug, Gourry changed lanes and pulled up next to the little forest-green Nissan sporting the license plate of "2 Sexy", on the left, so that the Winnebago's passenger window was right next to the Nissan's driver side window. From here, Amelia began motioning for the Nissan to pull over. 

Doubtlessly assuming that something was wrong with his vehicle that he hadn't noticed, the driver of the Nissan did so, quite alarmed.

Therefore, it annoyed him more than a little to merely have this admittedly cute, but insanely weird and more insanely annoying little female insist that they hike back along the highway and find his garbage so that he could properly dispose of it later.

As for Amelia, she apparently hadn't learned the first time that leaving an unsupervised Gourry alone was a very bad idea. This lesson was waiting for her back at the Winnebago after the Nissan had roared angrily away, resolving never to listen to little dark-haired girls with big blue eyes when they told him he had car trouble. 

Yes, the lesson was waiting for her, although Gourry was not.

   "Oh, no," she sighed, dropping cross-legged to the grass to wait. 

Certainly, the wait would be a long one…

   "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Valgaav howled from the driver's seat of a third Winnebago, much closer to the destination of Martina and Zangalus' humble little home than the other two.

   "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Filia agreed excitedly. This was incredible! She hadn't felt this connected to someone in a long time! "AAAAAAAAAARGH?" she asked hopefully.

Valgaav nodded, smiling the small smile of a dark, moody type who isn't given to smiling widely. He'd known right away that she would understand!

    "UUUUUUUUUUUUUNGH," he replied.

Filia giggled.

    "I know exactly what you mean!" she exclaimed without thinking about it.

Valgaav turned to her, a frown of confusion etched on his features.

   "Sorry, sorry, I meant ERRRRRRRRGH," Filia hastened to correct herself. After all, it wasn't often she got to talk to someone who truly understood the complexities of the language of a dragon; why waste it with human languages?

Valgaav nodded, the confusion in his face clearing. 

   "ERRRRRRRRRRRGH," he agreed.

The chronicler will not take her readers through Valgaav and Filia's entire conversation, as it is to long and complex to discuss fully here…and she's running out of ways to spell angry-sounding (or rather, angry-looking) exclamations. Suffice it to say that the Winnebago continued noisily along down the highway for quite some time, its inhabitants enjoying their meaningful conversation.

Until…

   "GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH," Valgaav commented, making a face as a certain song came on the radio.

   "BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH!" Filia exclaimed giddily. This song had always been one of her favourites!

Valgaav looked at her, disgusted.

   "ERRRRRRRRRRRRRGH," he said emphatically, turning the dial.

   "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Filia protested, turning the dial back to the previous radio station.

   "AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Valgaav said snippily, turning the radio off entirely.

   "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNGH," Filia said, crossing her arms and pouting.

   "Fine, then," Valgaav said, outwardly calm, but too incensed to speak to this girl in their special Dragon-speak any longer. "If you don't like it, you can just walk the rest of the way to Zangalus and Martina's." 

Filia frowned.

   "Who are they, anyway?"

Valgaav shrugged.

   "Some friend of Lina's, I think."

   "Oh," Filia murmured faintly, recalling that the rest of Miss Lina's friends weren't exactly normal. "Lovely."

   "Hey, weren't one of us mad at the other one for something?" 

   "It doesn't matter," Filia assured him.

He nodded, and the two drove on in silence for some time.

   "Valgaav?" Filia finally ventured.

   "Yes?"

   "Can we stop somewhere for a minute?"

   "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Valgaav howled.

   "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH," Filia retorted.

Valgaav sighed. Her logic really was indisputable in this case, as much as he hated to admit it.

   "Fine, we'll stop."

   "Thank-you, Valgaav," Filia said, smiling smugly. Then she frowned. "Um…Valgaav?"

   "Yes?"

   "Can I borrow some money for a cup of tea?"

   "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Valgaav howled.

   "Okay, okay," Filia sighed dejectedly. "No tea."

Ten minutes later, as Valgaav was preparing to open the door and hop back up into the Winnebago, he stopped as a small hand caught his arm.

   "Valgaav?" Filia asked.

   "Yes?"

   "Can I drive?"

Valgaav was silent for a moment, preparing himself. Then… 

 "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

Fifteen minutes later, the Winnebago was back on its course for the home of Zangalus and Martina. 

However, a few changes had been made. 

It was far quieter within the vehicle, aside from the radio, which was playing Filia's favourite station.

Filia was in the driver's seat. It would thus make sense that Valgaav was sitting sulkily in the passenger seat. 

No such luck for Valgaav, however. 

Behind the driver's and passenger seats, there was a good deal of space that could be used to carry luggage, food, potted plants, or cattle, if one were so inclined.

In this Winnebago, the free space held none of the above.

What it did hold was a figure wrapped entirely in duct tape, save for the nose. A spike of mint-green hair stuck proudly out from the profusion of tape.

It seemed that Valgaav had been shut up at last, his habit for howling in rage every five and a half seconds brought to an abrupt end. Doubtlessly, Filia was much happier, although Valgaav was not, as being tied up with duct tape by a golden dragon priestess was never fun, particularly when one must be subdued first by a few bashes to the head with a spiky black mace of rather ridiculous mass.

Given the many obvious grievances of our young Ancient Dragon (and rest assured, Valgaav always had quite a bit of trouble explaining to strangers how this could be possible), it was rather odd that the one thing on his mind at that moment was,

   _I really hate that song…_

   "So, Miss Sylphiel," Xellos began, smiling beamingly at his car-mate from the driver's seat of yet another different Winnebago. This Winnebago was closer to its destination than the first and second, but not quite so close as the third. It seemed as though Filia had happened upon the ancient secret of an efficient road-trip: one half of the decision-making party must be bound and gagged in the back of the vehicle. "Are you enjoying the trip so far?"

   "Oh, yes," Sylphiel assured him, returning his beaming smile with another one just as beaming. "I'm having a wonderful time. Are you getting tired yet? Would you like me to drive? After all, you mustn't drive when fatigued. It's a terrible, terrible thing."

   "Um, of course, Miss Sylphiel. I believe I'll be alright for another few hours, though."

   "Well, if you're sure."

   "Quite sure."

Another silence fell. Then Sylphiel glanced at Xellos sideways.

   "Xellos, how did you meet Miss Lina and my dear Gourry?"

Xellos lifted an eyebrow.

Your _dear Gourry, _he wondered silently. _I wonder what Miss Lina thinks of that._

   "To tell you the truth, Miss Sylphiel, we were brought face-to-face while we were both looking for something."

   "Oh, what was it?"

   "The Claire Bible, actually."

   "Oh," Sylphiel said hesitantly. "It was the Claire Bible that helped Lina find out why the Giga Slave is a terrible, terrible spell, wasn't it?"

   "Y-yes, I suppose it is," Xellos replied, a sweatdrop suspended at the side of his head.

Once again, both fell quiet. Then, several moments later…

   "Xellos, would you like a sandwich?"

   "Er, no thank-you, Sylphiel."

   "But you didn't eat breakfast, either! You mustn't drive while hungry, Xellos. It's a terrible, terrible state to be in."

Xellos smiled to himself. At least a conversation had been struck up. Nothing was worse than a car trip made in utter silence. As his companion would doubtlessly have said, it was a 'terrible, terrible thing'. 

Then, as a hint of a most delectable discomfort reached his senses, he looked abruptly ahead, only to notice that he was following the car in front of him almost dangerously closely. A vaguely evil smile had just spread itself across his face, his foot punched down harder on the gas pedal, when his car-mate's voice piped up, shattering his thought process.

   "Um…Xellos?"

   "Yes, Miss Sylphiel?" he asked, laughing guiltily at her curious gaze trained on him.

   "I was just wondering; how do you drive when your eyes are always closed?"

   "It's a gift, Miss Sylphiel," he replied cheerfully before returning his attention to the road.

While his focus had been elsewhere, it seemed that the car in front of him, a small forest green Nissan sporting a license plate of "2 Sexy", had sped up, managing to put a good deal of distance between itself and the Winnebago.

Xellos pouted. This was no good. The driver's nervousness and discomfort had been very enjoyable indeed, and he felt no reason to give them up quite yet. He punched down hard on the gas pedal again, ignoring Sylphiel's startled squeak as the Winnebago shot forward down the highway.

   "Oh, darn," he thought he heard her say. "I've dropped my plushie!" 

Deciding that following the Nissan with less than a foot of distance wasn't quite enough, Xellos turned to Sylphiel, smiled charmingly, and said,

   "Don't worry, Miss Sylphiel. I'll find it for you."

   "Oh, no, that's all right," Sylphiel replied quickly.

Nevertheless, Xellos let go of the steering wheel, bent over the parking brake, and scanned the floor of the passenger side for anything remotely plushie-looking. Finally, after a good deal of the Winnebago swerving crazily about the road and Sylphiel wondering desperately how she could most quickly get to the brake pedal herself if she had to, or if the situation could be helped by magic (perhaps a strategically-placed Flare Carrot under one wheel), Xellos felt something soft and squishy under his fingers and straightened up.

   "Found it," he announced proudly. 

   "Oh, my Gourry-plushie!" she squealed happily, grabbing the little toy and cuddling it.

Xellos sweatdropped, not for the first time, as it occurred to him that the little toy did, indeed, look uncannily like Gourry. Sylphiel fixed Xellos with a stern eye. "Thank-you for finding it for me, Xellos, but you should really try to concentrate more on the road. Not keeping your eyes on the road while driving is a terrible thing."

   "So I could have guessed," Xellos said.

Then, turning back to the road, he chuckled to himself as the little green Nissan and its "2 Sexy" owner completed a hastily executed lane change with no warning signal to be seen.

   "Not yet, my friend," he said pleasantly, changing lanes himself so that he was once again behind the green Nissan. 

   "Xellos!" Sylphiel exclaimed reproachfully as he once again sped up to within a foot of the back of the car. "You shouldn't tailgate like that! Tailgating is a terrible, terrible habit!"

Xellos was rather annoyed by this. Some reproach, he didn't mind, but when this woman tried to keep him from spreading misery to the other drivers on the road, she was going too far. However, to simply get visibly angry was not Xellos' style. And so, smiling charmingly once again, he nodded.

   "Very well, Miss Sylphiel. I think we might be approaching a good place to stop for a moment, anyway."

   "Good idea," Sylphiel agreed. Then a wary expression crossed her face. "Hold on a minute; you're not going to leave me behind, are you? I'll never completely forgive Lina and Gourry for leaving me behind when I came with them after Martina and Zangulus' wedding…"

   "So, that's why you weren't with them the next time I saw them," Xellos murmured. "I can't say that I entirely blame Lina."

   "Well?" Sylphiel prompted. "If I leave you with the van, I'm not going to come out of the gas station to find that you took off and left me, am I?"

Xellos' expression was the picture of innocence. 

   "Leave you?" he echoed, inwardly cackling. "Why on earth would I do that, Miss Sylphiel?"

   "Oh. Well, if you're sure you're not going to leave me behind," Sylphiel said, much relieved.

Fifteen minutes later, Sylphiel emerged from the gas station, a small plastic bag containing a diet 7-Up and a chocolate chip cookie bouncing against her side. She stopped suddenly, and looked around the parking lot for a few moments, her expression becoming more suspicious by the second. Finally, she threw her bag to the pavement in utter fury, but changed her mind at the last minute, caught it before it could land, and set it down carefully. This might not have relieved anyone else's feelings as satisfactorily as actual destruction, but Sylphiel was not any other person.

   "He _did_ leave me behind!" she wailed.

End Notes: Tune in for the next chapter to see the Slayers gang head to New New Sairaag! Why? The author hasn't decided yet! However, all of the characters have reached an agreement: they are NOT travelling with the same person they travelled with in this chapter. Let's see if some slight rearrangement makes everyone a little happier. And maybe we can refrain from having anyone left behind at the side of the road, _Xellos_!

Xellos: What?


	2. To New New Sairaag!

Chapter 2 – To _New_ New Sairaag

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   "Hey, Valgaav, pull over, would you?"

Valgaav shot his flaming-haired car-mate a guardedly bewildered look, as super-angsty effeminately lovely men aren't given to being openly bewildered any more than they are given to smiling widely. 

   "Why?"

   "Geez, you're worse than Gourry," Lina blustered, gesturing at something up ahead, rapidly becoming closer. "Those people are stranded at the side of the road!"

   "And you wish to play the Good Samaritan, as it were, by pulling over to assist them?" Valgaav concluded, one eyebrow raised sceptically.

   "No, dummy, I want _you_ to pretend we're there to help them, while I steal their stuff! With any luck, it'll be valuable, and we can pawn it to buy food!"

Valgaav was silent for a moment, pondering this.

   "Alright, I may have been evil and psychotically angry most of the time, but you're just petty." 

   "Petty? What's so petty about wanting some extra cash?" 

   "I mean, that sort of childish scheme is far below the last remaining survivor of the race of the Ancient Dragons."

   "Valgaav, pull this damn piece of junk over before I make you extinct!"

   "My Winnebago is not a piece of junk," he protested, quite hurt.

   "Yes, it is! Just like Zel's, just like Gourry's, just like Xellos'...hey, why do we all travel by Winnebago, anyway?" 

   "From what Filia tells me, it's because they're cheap, and we were low on cash after you decided to stop somewhere for a little snack."

   "Way to rub it in, pal," Lina pouted. "Anyway, pull over!"

   "We're already behind schedule. If I'm late because you wanted to play the highway robber, I'll howl in rage, and then destroy you with a spell that sounds like a howl of rage."

Lina smiled a dangerous smile.

   "Oh, really?"

   "Really."

   "In that case, I have a couple of choice words I could use. I'll give you a hint: the first one is 'Dragon', and the second one is 'Slave'."

   "That didn't work on me last time, remember?"

   "Yeah," Lina pouted, recalling the interesting scene at the last rest stop they had made, when Valgaav had refused to let her take the wheel for a little while. One gigantic bubble of fiery destruction later, the gas station had predictably been no more, but both Valgaav and the Winnebago – somehow – had been unharmed. "Fine. We'll skip the highway stop, and stop off at the next exit for lunch instead."

   "We're not stopping for lunch," Valgaav informed her. "We stopped for breakfast an hour and a half ago."

Lina's eyes widened, and her expression morphed into one of horrified anger. 

   "Alright, passing up on the opportunity for some easy cash is one thing, but skipping lunch?!"

   "I see what Filia meant about you people," Valgaav murmured. "Although, I have no great desire to see _her_ again," he concluded, rubbing a mace-induced lump on the back of his head gingerly.

   "Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Lina demanded. "'You people'?"

   "I think you ought to be able to figure it out," Valgaav replied with a tiny smirk.

   "Uh…now that you mention it, nope."  
Valgaav sighed.

   "I see. I should have expected that."

   "Okay, _now_ what are you talking about?"

   "Forget it. There are just some things your pitiful human brain won't be able to understand."

   "What, like cross-dimensional angst?" Lina snickered. "Or severe testosterone imbalance?"

Glancing sideways at her car-mate, Lina smirked in satisfaction at the sight of the vein protruding from his forehead. Then, with a pout, she noted that it was only his horn. However, if his expression was anything to go by, as well as his knuckles, gripping the steering wheel until they were white, she had still succeeded in striking a nerve.

   "Flat-chested bitch," he muttered fatally. 

She stiffened.

   "What was that?! Oh, you're dead!"

With that, she began a very familiar chant.

Valgaav, noticing this, scowled for a moment, and then began one of his own, pausing briefly to pull the car over to the side of the road.

Moments later, two rather ominous noises filled the car.

   "DRAGON SLAVE!" Lina howled.

   "AAAAAAAAAARGH!" Valgaav howled. That spell was one of his best...

And a scene of immense destruction followed.

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   "Oh, my goodness!" Sylphiel exclaimed as a bright flash caught her eye as she stared idly out the vehicle's window. "What do you think that was, Gourry dear?"

   "Gee, I don't know," Gourry admitted from the driver's seat. "But I get the feeling that Lina's behind it."

   "How awful," Sylphiel sighed mournfully. "Miss Lina really ought to learn to control her temper. Being so quick to anger is a terrible, terrible thing."

   "Yeah, but that's Lina," Gourry said cheerfully. "Hey, are you hungry, Sylphiel?"

   "Well…no," Sylphiel admitted slowly. "We did just stop for breakfast twenty minutes ago. But," she hurried on, seeing Gourry's face falling slightly, "I wouldn't mind getting a soda somewhere."

   "Alright! We'll stop at the next restaurant we see!"

An hour later, the Winnebago was trundling merrily down the highway again, carrying a well-fed, satisfied Gourry, and a Sylphiel who was beginning to feel uncomfortably that she would need a rest stop sometime soon. After all, she had had five sodas already on this trip. Suddenly, Amelia's insistence that she get a new travelling partner for the next leg of the journey, made sense. After a rather hectic party at Martina and Zangalus', she had said emphatically that she was in no mood to deal with Gourry's constant time-wasting all the way to New New Sairaag. A snack break, she had said rather angrily, should not take fifty minutes. Sylphiel wondered idly over those mysterious words, and felt uncomfortably that she very well might find out what they meant before she and Gourry reached their destination.

   "Hey, Sylphiel," Gourry spoke up, breaking into her thoughts.

She looked up quickly.

   "Oh...yes, Gourry, dear?" 

   "I'm supposed to turn left here, right?"

Sylphiel hesitated, her eyes lingering on the road sign that proudly proclaimed, **To New New Sairaag**, an arrow pointing very clearly to the right, directly beneath the words.

Then she looked up at Gourry, who was looking very 

pleased with himself at having figured out the right way to go, all by himself. To be sure, this expression existed mostly within the mind of the passenger, but the effect was the same.

   "Yes, Gourry, dear," Sylphiel replied, deep green eyes shiny with adoration. "We take the left road here."

   "Um...Gourry, dear?" Sylphiel spoke up hesitantly two hours of meandering side roads leading directly away from New New Sairaag later. "Are you feeling sleepy at all? Would you like a rest?"

   "Well, actually, Sylphiel," Gourry replied cheerfully, "now that you mention it, I'm really hungry! Maybe we should stop at this restaurant to rest, huh?"

   "Actually," Sylphiel said, more to herself than to the oblivious Gourry, "I thought that maybe I could drive for a while."

Still, as she said it only to herself, Gourry neither heard nor heeded, and she followed him slowly into the restaurant, resigning herself to falling another hour or two behind schedule.

   "Gourry?" Sylphiel began timidly as the Winnebago once again shot down the highway past the turnoff that they had already missed seven times. "Would you like me to drive for a while?"

   "No, that's fine, Sylphiel," Gourry said with a warm smile. "That's really nice of you to offer, though. Hey, I know what you can do! Keep your eyes open for somewhere to stop to eat, okay? Let me know when you see a place that looks good."

   "Of course, Gourry, dear," Sylphiel agreed with a slightly forced smile, inwardly vowing to 'accidentally' miss every restaurant they passed until they had gotten back onto the right road.

Well, at any rate, the longer the journey was, the more time she would have alone with dear Gourry. Oh, Gourry, dear…sweet, wonderful, brain-dead Gourry, dear...

-------------------------------------

Zelgadis smiled slightly as another cheerful song drifted over from the passenger side of the vehicle.

   "In a good mood this morning, Filia?" he asked.

The blonde smiled sheepishly.

   "I'm sorry; it's just so nice to be travelling with someone who lets me stop for tea on occasion." She took a slurp of the cardboard cup in her hand. "Valgaav refused to pull over even for a second...until I yelled him down."

   "Is that why you two arrived in Zoana with him trying to pick bits of duct tape out of his hair?"

   "No, that was because he wouldn't let me drive."

   "I...see. Well, I must admit, this is a nice change from yesterday," Zelgadis said with a motion somewhere between a shudder and a twitch. 

   "Why?" Filia asked, blinking in confusion.

Zelgadis set the travel mug full of strong black coffee back into the cup holder. 

   "Let's just say that you haven't truly lived until you've bounced over a median and four lanes of traffic, just so Lina can stop for lunch."

   "That doesn't surprise me," Filia said, shaking her head and then reaching for her cup of tea. Then, after a moment, her expression changed. "Er, Zelgadis?"

   "Yes?"

   "Do you think we could stop at a gas station somewhere?"

With a sigh and a slightly impatient roll of his eyes, Zelgadis hit the signal and changed the necessary three lanes to catch the next exit.

   "Much better," a freshly emptied Filia chirped ten minutes later, clutching a new paper cup filled with cherry-vanilla blend tea, as the Winnebago once again shot down the highway.

   "Good," Zelgadis said, a clear hint of 'so-let's-not-waste-any-more-time' in his voice. 

And, for a short time, it seemed that life could be that easy for Mr. Greywords. However, after fifteen minutes of silent travel...

   "Zelgadis?" Filia ventured timidly. 

   "Yes, what is it?"

   "Um...could we stop somewhere again?"

He rolled his eyes less subtly than before as Filia fidgeted and blushed in the seat next to him. Then, once again, he hit the signal and pulled off at the nearest exit. 

Ten minutes later saw a very silent pair of people once again hurtling down the highway in a Winnebago. The passenger, effectively kept from any comment by the driver's annoyed expression, slightly tense posture, and continuous glances at his wristwatch, simply sipped at her paper cup, this time containing a peach and raspberry blend that she had been rather anxious to try for quite some time. Yes, Filia decided, it would be much wiser to stay silent and merely focus on drinking her tea.

This decision held true for a good solid half hour. However, her resolve to stay silent began to crumble as, once again, the foolishness of drinking ninety-seven gallons of tea while on a long car ride began to make itself apparent.

   "Zelgadis?" she called hesitantly.

With an annoyed grumble, Zelgadis gave the signal a fierce swat, and jerked the steering wheel in the direction of the nearest exit with such suddenness that the vehicle nearly tipped.

   "You didn't have to get angry," Filia whimpered, tears collecting in her eyes.

   "Just hurry up," Zelgadis requested shortly as the Winnebago came to a halt outside the gas station.

And so it went for quite some time. Although the trip was far too long and complex to be described fully, it is sufficient to claim that after two more hours, fifteen more mugs of tea, and twenty more rest stops later, Zelgadis was getting a wee bit impatient. And it was with this backdrop that Filia made the final request to nudge the situation from bearable into utterly unbearable in the eyes of the coffee-guzzling driver.

   "Um...Zelgadis? I hate to ask again – "

   "Then don't," he growled.

Filia looked quite taken aback.

   "But Zelgadis, I really need to stop!" 

   "You can 'stop' when we get to New New Sairaag."

   "I can't wait that long!" 

   "Do it anyway."

   "You've obviously never been a woman," she said airily.

   "Well, you're right about that."

   "Hold on, Zelgadis! How is it that you've been drinking coffee all morning, and you haven't had to go yet?"

The car swerved suddenly, coming to a stop at the side of the road. 

   "I don't have to answer that," Zelgadis replied angrily, unbuckling his seatbelt, shoving the door open, and storming from the vehicle.

For a moment or two, Filia sat in a stunned silence. Then, gradually, a thought began to occur to her.

   "Hey! I can take all the rest stops I want now!"

With that, she climbed daintily over the gearshift and started the car.

And all was sunshine again.

------------------------------------------------

   "Mr. Xellos!" Amelia exclaimed, alarmed. "Look out for the – "

She winced as a decided splat reached her ears and a perceptible thud rocked the car.

   "Rabbit," she finished, gazing mournfully out the window. "At least you did the just thing and finished its suffering in one blow."

   "Of course," Xellos agreed beamingly. "I'm nothing if not a friend of all form of fuzzy little woodland creature."

   "U-um...right," Amelia agreed carefully, inwardly thanking the deities that she had been born a human rather than a squirrel, for more reasons than that Seyruun would hardly benefit from being someday ruled by a creature who cared nothing for the good of the kingdom as long as it had plenty of peanuts stocked for the winter.

As she occupied herself with these ponderings, Xellos caught sight of an unfortunate squirrel frolicking merrily over the rough, overgrown country road. A glint may or may not have appeared in his eye, for all the world could tell, as he swerved toward the unsuspecting furry creature.

   "Mr. Xellos!" Amelia protested as another loud thump rocked the vehicle. "That was intentional!"

   "Don't be silly, Miss Amelia!" Xellos laughed. "I was simply engaging the squirrel in a game of Chicken. He lost quite clearly, I would say."

And so it was that Amelia's nature as Amelia chose that moment to kick in. She unbuckled her safety belt, tried to stand up in her seat, hit her head on the roof of the car with a sound thunk, and sat back down again. Then, rubbing her head sadly, she reflected that there was really no reason that a good speech couldn't be delivered from a sitting position when the situation required it.

   "Mr. Xellos, your persecution of the local wildlife is absolutely unjust, and utterly evil! I insist that you stop it at once, or I'll have to unleash the wrath of outraged justice upon you!"

   "Is that so?" Xellos asked conversationally, swerving toward an unsuspecting gopher.

   "You're not listening!" Amelia exclaimed, rather hurt.

   "Nonsense, Miss Amelia. Of course I'm listening. Ooh, a poodle!" Xellos concluded as the Winnebago veered toward someone's poor lost little pet.

The poodle whimpered, its little pink bow standing straight up in terror, as it tried unsuccessfully to dodge the fast-approaching wheel of the car.

   "That does it, Mr. Xellos! Now you'll pay for the suffering of all those poor little creatures!" 

   "And just what do you have in mind?" Xellos asked mildly, surveying his indignant road-trip-buddy through eyes opened into purple slits. Very evil-lookin' purple slits. 

Amelia glared ferociously. The fiend! First he terrorized all manner of fluffy little animal, and then he made these sad attempts to intimidate an old comrade of sorts? Unforgivable! 

   "Alright, Mr. Xellos! But keep in mind, you asked for this!"

Taking a deep breath, she launched into the first selection in her repertoire of Happy Songs of Love and Justice.

   "You've gotta have heart! All you really need is heart! When the odds are sayin' you'll never win, that's when a grin should start!"

   "Yes, you make your point, Miss Amelia," Xellos told her through gritted teeth, somehow managing a double-hit and taking out a gopher and an unsuspecting bird at the same time.

Amelia's eyes narrowed further, and then her expression shifted to one of perfect joyful innocence as she continued in the song.

   "You've gotta have hope! Mustn't sit around and mope! Nothing's half as bad as it may appear! Just wait 'till next year and hope!"

   "Ergh..." Xellos erghed, eliminating four more squirrels, a stray cat, and a bunny by a remarkably lucky hit.

   "When your luck is battin' zero –"

_Splat! Splat! Splat!_

Three more bunnies went to that big carrot patch in the sky.

   "-Pick your chin up off the floor!"

_Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat! Splat!_

A family of five squirrels ceased to be.

   "Mister, you can be a hero!"

_Splat! Splat! Thump!_

Two more cats and a badly placed boot lost a few inches of height and developed attractive tire tracks down their middles.

   "You can open any door!"

_Splat! Splat! Splat!_

A puppy and two banana cream pies became three pancakes.

   "There's nothin' to it, but to do it…"

As Xellos felt his brain begin to melt into a puddle, and the rest of him begin to cry out in the agony of the sickeningly bouncy and cheerful song, he spied a lone figure at the side of the road.

   "Ah! Well, Miss Amelia, look who it is!"

   "You've gotta have – Mr. Zelgadis?" she finished in bemusement. "What's he doing – Mr. Xellos! Look out! You're going to – "

_THUNK!_

   " – hit him," Amelia finished sadly. Then, as she glanced back, her expression shifted to one of horror. "Oh, no! He's not getting up! Mr. Zelgadis!"

With this exclamation, she wrenched the window crank and made a daring leap from the vehicle's open window.

   "Oh, dear," Xellos said with a cheerfulness that quite belied his words.

   "Mr. Zelgadis!" Amelia cried as she landed squarely on top of him. "Are you okay?"

Zelgadis uttered an unearthly groan of pain, and then stopped abruptly as he noticed the warm shape sitting on top of him.

   "Amelia? When did you get here?"

   "Oh…just a minute ago. Xellos didn't like my song, so I thought I'd let him drive by himself."

Zelgadis nodded thoughtfully as effectively as he could while pinned to the ground by a small princess frantically casting cure spells. After all, he had endured much at the hands of Filia and Xellos that day. Now that his luck was finally looking up, why fight it?

--------------------------------------------------------

End Notes: Hee! Okay, so I jumped the gun a little on the Zel/Amelia 'shippiness. I'm obsessed! I can't help it! [Sob] ^_^ Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this instalment, and I hope you'll tune into the next one.


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